The place is really quiet right now...the sun is in full shine. The dogs are asleep..one of the Argentine women is sleeping in the grass getting tan I guess. Everyone else is gone or still asleep. I took a freezing cold shower just now and I can say that it was not the best way to start the day. I don't know how long I want to stay here now. Not that i have any reason to leave i just feel conflicted about staying in one place for too long. It is hard to find contentment right now. I feel really motivated with no direction. I have the will and the energy to complete something but no focus on that something. I also feel like Im chasing something that doesnt exist. I dont know what that is or where it is that I can find it but it does not seem to be here. I guess I am bored, but not nothing to do bored...no sense of purpose bored is what Im feeling. I dont know what Im accomplishing right now by traveling through Mexico. I am very close to Central America and a part of me just wants to jump right in there..but then what? Jose is telling me that school in Guatemala might not be necessarily cheaper. He knows some people near here or something. Also, there is a place outside of town called Palenque, which is like great Mayan ruins or something that no one wishes to miss in their life while so close here in Chiapas.
My thoughts and feelings are still a bit consumed by Flagstaff, and I can only deduce two reasons for this...the dumbest reason I believe to be affecting me is Facebook...now isnt that dumb? but seriously if I can login to facebook I can read about everyone back home in minutes..I know what is going on to some degree and its impossible to let go when so interconnected...also of course there is Lindsay, who I think about all the time. This is such a conundrum for me. I am thinking about not using the internet at all maybe I can sell my computer or just break it..no I would give it away first. I know that I could just restrict myself to using only the blog when having the internet but even having the blog is keeping me connected to home. I dont know why it seems necessary to disconnect from Flagstaff but being on a journey isnt about staying with home.
I am starting to believe I am more of a home body than I would like to be. I suppose I want adventure and growth in my life but maybe I am doing it in a way that doesnt suit my personality. I am not so sure about this former comment except it seems like maybe I am just homesick...it seems silly because I have only been gone for two weeks.
Im not scared, either. not that i need be scared but...
this post is fucking dumb im going to stop now. I will see if i can get to palenque today. im going to start looking into where I am going next as well. stay in chiapas or go right into guatemala?
You're not alone in your feelings of "ill-purposed boredom." Hang in there, brother. You are loved and supported. Your courage is admirable. Right now, your feelings of loneliness or confusion aren't unacceptable. It would be odd if you did NOT feel these ways. I love you and tell everyone I meet in my travels about your current travels. I was just in SF for the weekend and met some really awesome people; made me think of you, this guy I met: Dane. He's an English major, 26, originally from Michigan but has lived/traveled AUS, Spain, Italy, and eastern Asian countries. Anyhow, I'm ranting. Thanks for keeping us abreast. Love. xoxo
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